This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
