don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
