I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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