i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
