i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
sarcasm needs its own font
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
