TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
