Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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