I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
