you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
