I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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