I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
