we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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