I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
