Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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