mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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