Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
