one two three fourrrrnication!
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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