I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
