theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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