Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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