so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Randomize
