Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
