she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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