his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
