i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
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