Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
