I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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