cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
