Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
