he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
