Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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