why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
