she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
In other news, I just burned my penis
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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