Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
