I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I supernannyed him into submission
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
