Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
