At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
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