Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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