Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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