i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
