Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
