i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
