My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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