Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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