my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
