now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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