This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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