I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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