How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
