you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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